A little late for Christmas...

Venture Brothers Christmas Songs!!!

Also, sorry for not being around-- I am busy.

Jack Bauer vs. Santa

Hey peeps! Thought I'd bring some holdiay cheer to the blog with this festive video. Hopefully it works.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

My Absence

Hello all,

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much. I have been reading the blog, just not posting. I'm taking my qualifying exams on Jan 4 & 5 and have been studying for that. I might come to Columbus on the 7th or 8th (when the exam is done). Anyways, I haven't been wasting time on the internet very much, but I decided I would post two things that I've almost certainly shown most of you in the past. But I like them, and Batya posted dog-hump-vomit, so I figured its okay.

First:



and Second:


I find myself just saying lines from the KISS video and no one knows what it is:
"(Italian accent) I feel so bad for you" seems to come up a lot.

Remember this?

My favorite video of all time.

Speaking of toilets...

Toilets

Bumper Dumper

I am confused about why the bumper dumper costs $69.95 when it doesn't provide any more privacy than you would get from just squatting behind your car, and meanwhile afterwards the bumper dumper leaves you with the unpleasant task of disposing of a bag full of your own waste - is it the toilet aesthetic that people are paying for?

Mimeograph?!?

Reading this story makes me think of one Travis Hunter Sefzik. One can only wonder at how much his typewriter will go for in his golden years. I bet I'm not the only one who still gleefully possesses a fine machine typed business card from the "Master of Small Talk & Spiritual Leader."

This is a delight!

Translation Party

YES!!

More exclamation points. The last and few following contributions are directly from my new friend Beth who is an unabashed master of internet tomfoolery.

http://www.thesheepmarket.com/

Three links

This is very helpful for us internet-impaired. Please continue, everybody.

I submit to the jury three links.

One, Trains just released a live album, here. These shows are getting way too fun.

This is the second link - it is a bunch of stuff recorded at the open mic I run - a lot of the people playing there are really amazing. Cody Johnston's Cutest Drinking Song Ever is a personal favorite (the 11/10 version). He's actually getting paid to write for cracked.com. I'm jealous as hell.

This is the last link. It is also fun, but quieter.

10 whole minutes

RIGHT?!!

Dance Music for Everyone

House music is mesmerizing.

(no ecstasy required)

THIS is how the world ends!

Brewery science will be the death of us all. It will be a glorious, drunken, and hopefully tasty death, but still death nonetheless. Behold the evil genius who has created Tactical Nuclear Penguin
This beer has a 32% ABV.

Gyrotonics with Shaq

This morning I had breakfast with my mom's good friend Donita -- don't worry, Sean, there were no pancakes, so my appetite is whet for this evening's labia variety -- who is taking a gyrotonics class with Shaq:

Sean, you know what you have to do!

Sarah Palin Book Signing in Columbus

Hey look our* friend made this video:



*"our" = "Philip Kim's"

Tesh Attack

Another thing which gets stuck in my head, since it's basketball season, is the John Tesh penned "Roundball Rock."

In other basketball related clips, behold the splendor of Mark Price.
and a bonus of Soul Asylum.

Damn You Koucky!

Recently I have been reading Truman Capote's short story/novella Breakfast at Tiffany's. Unfortunately, even while enjoying the story, I can not get the Deep Blue Something song of the same name out of my head. Similarly, once I think of that, the vocals transfer to the sonorous tones of one Michael Harten Koucky, as he bellows it in a karaoke environment.

The video is pretty sweet, with rock jumps, a horse, and drumming on the back of a truck. Long live mid-nineties alternative rock!

Sadly, Deep Blue Something has disabled the embedding of their kickass video, but travel back to a more innocent time by following this URL

I can't stop watching this video. This is my friend Jamesy Quarles:

He knows when you are sleeping...

Maybe it's Grinchy of me to say so, but this Santa letter-writing program seems like an excessive amount of effort to put into reinforcing a bunch of toddlers' beliefs in the existence of a man who doesn't exist. Why is this easier/more authentic than parents forging their own letters to their children? Why do we strive for authenticity in letters to children from fake men? If a kid knows the meaning of a postmark, why not just surrender the truth, why pour all these resources into delivering hard (fake) evidence to continue to pull the wool over their little baby eyes ("Oh, little child of mine, you think I lied about Santa Claus' existence?? Well well well check out this official US postal service postmark! NORTH POLE!! Told you so!!")? I mean seriously what is the point of all this postmarking. Just write a fucking letter and deliver it to your child. Otherwise your child may get tangled up in a dirty correspondence with a sex offender elf. Ho ho ho.

Chia Obama makes the statement, "I'm proud to be an American!"

The Reason We're All Here

Tom suggested that this get reposted from time to time...and I agree.



Also, here's where all the original material came from



Has anyone else felt like the internet has been less entertaining the last couple of weeks? Maybe its just me.


Also, I saw Junot Diaz, author of The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao (recent book-club book) on Monday night. I just happened to be passing the place where the lecture was happening (I don't walk that way often), decided to look at who was speaking this year, and it turned out he was speaking in an hour..so I went. Anyways, it was pretty sweet. I saw on his website that he's coming to Yale some time in December, so you might go Mike.

For you cynical fuckers

The opposite of FAIL

Thank you for being a friend?

I saw this on fark.com and I thought of you Deepak. Follow the link (here)to read an editorial on how the Golden Girls made a generation of men gay. A snippet:

The most unexpected segment of this show’s fanbase was America’s young men. In the 80s, these were boys too delicate for sports, too awkward for girls, too “artistic” for labor-intensive work and too flamboyant for peer acceptance in high school. With no real adults in sight, these poor children became obsessed with the poorly conceived characters on this show. Desperate for a firm hand in their lives, they gravitated to the subversive undercurrent of masculinity in these aged matrons.

Walmart really does have everything

For all your self burial needs. Also they have urns!

I'm still looking for the American flag coffin

(this is what Phil Kim's friends and that gang did last Sunday - watch for my need for ketchup and mediocre piano playing)

AND NOW I'M FUCKING DISTRACTED!!!

Okay, Andy's first post. The thing about this blog is that I know that I am always seven months behind everybody in "the internet" (which I'm completely fine with). I am posting a video now that I am assuming everybody has already seen because one of the videos from these guys has like two million YouTube hits and once a YouTube video passes like 200 Deepak has probably already seen it twice. But, the point of glorious itsfuckingdistracting is to share what "got to me" about the internet. Which, if you've already seen this stuff, then you'll fondly remember that strange drunken night when you went through this website as well. But, on the off chance that you haven't, this is actually pretty funny, and they keep it fairly consisent through the commercials. (If you peruse the website, watch the commercials first, then the making of).

Okay, now that I've posted for the first time, I'll loosen up about future posts and probably post too much.

Probably my favorite Halloween photo

Will Smelser (who most of you probably don't know), dressed as Elmo, making out with his Elmo costume:

Food Stuff

Many of you may have seen this, but I like this article. It's not pedantic, and yet stills punctures some of the sanctimony of vegans, which I always enjoy.

Although it doesn't bring up the most import fact about meat, i.e. that it is delicious.

Lastly, here's a pic of Bob Ross. I got to use my Anderson Varejao wig (12-13-2006 NEVER FORGET) for it.

costumes!

So lets hear it...whats everyone being for halloween?

oh arnie

i think this is too good to be a coincidence.

John Cleese's Birthday

Here is a recent interview with him from the AV Club and here are some silly walks.

The Larry's Sign

http://www.thelantern.com/campus/one-of-a-kind-collection-of-memorabilia-celebrates-the-university-district-1.830056

Is this how I do this Deepak?

hi guys!

Cosmos Remix

Why did I not know of this...

I've only seen two episodes of this so far...but they were funny. Apparently this web-show, Children's Hospital by Rob Corodry and a bunch of other funny people got picked up by adult swim...hooray!

WARNING: it starts to auto-play an ad (with audio) once you go to the site...so be prepared for that

It is here, dorkbots

New york 039

New york 039
Originally uploaded by martin.menninger

tom

tom
Originally uploaded by martin.menninger

I post secret pictures of you people.

talk about time wasting

So I was sitting in the computer lab wasting time when the guy sitting next to me started laughing. I asked what was so funny and this is what he was looking at. I'm not sure if this is fair use or not so I'm going to say that I took this from geekologie.com and they can probably sue me for doing this but the joke's on them because I don't have any money:

Wait, Whaaaaat?: Large Hardron Collider Trying To Destroy Itself From The Future

According to a couple nutjobs that I'm actually starting to believe, the Large Hadron Collider is actually destroying itself FROM THE FUTURE to prevent the discovery of the Higgs boson particle. Whoa.

According to the Times, two physicists posit that the reason that the Large Hadron Collider (and, previously, its unbuilt American counterpart) keeps running into problems isn't bad luck or shoddy workmanship. It's that the LHC's quest to discover the Higgs boson--a heretofore only theorized particle that scientists believe is what gives objects mass--is creating problems to keep itself from being discovered:

"A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather."

I didn't even think about that. But now that I do, it makes perfect sense. And by perfect sense I mean none at all. Unlessssss the LHC is actually a giant T-1000! Then we're back to making perfect sense. I think. I dunno man, I smoked weed for breakfast.

-from Geekologie.com

I mean, how awesome is that?

Mike Koucky

Weird Animal

Here is a cool little story about a strange little critter.

Also, we should all try to start reading our blog book Rats fairly soon.

Timewasting

Hello all,

Its been a while (sung in that Creed-like-Nickelback-whatever-the-fuck voice). So first off...I'm arriving in Columbus tomorrow (Thursday) between 8 and 10pm. I'm either staying for Friday night or not...I still have to decide.

Second off..if people like wasting time I would recommend cruciverb. I've probably already told many of you about it, but basically it posts the daily crosswords from nytimes, LAtimes, yahoo etc. To do the puzzles posted there you need acrosslite (its a small program..to get it click on "software" under "resources" on the left side of the page). I've cut back on my crossword intake this school year (apparently, i'm trying to be a better student or something lame like that), but if you guys like crosswords, this is the place to be.

third off...mike suggested that i post my google reader subscriptions on here so heres a list of ones i think are good:

yahoo tennis: http://sports.yahoo.com/ten/rss.xml
yahoo cavs: http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/teams/cle/rss.xml
itsfuckingdistracting: http://itsfuckingdistracting.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
pats blog: http://gentlemanrake.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default
aziz ansari: http://azizisbored.tumblr.com/rss
bob and david: http://www.bobanddavid.com/atom.xml
all songs considered: http://www.npr.org/rss/rss.php?id=37
today's big thing: http://www.todaysbigthing.com/rss/newest
todays big thing (entertainment): http://entertainment.todaysbigthing.com/rss/newest
xkcd: http://xkcd.com/rss.xml

also some math blogs and stuff. theres this site called arxiv where people post math preprints and i can get updates on all the combinatorics ones. (im sure there are corresponding sites for linguistics, library science, whatever you like to nerd out to)

Fourth off...In fifteen minutes or so..its Marys birthday!...so happy birthday yo...see you soon!

Forget you troubles, come one get happy.

What to do with dead people. PS: presidential pets!

While listening to/reading this story about being buried by burying beetles, I ended up at the website for Obit Magazine, an online magazine about dying. They have an advice column, which I assumed was meant to offer condolences and/or coping advice to people in mourning, called Ask Judy:

Dear Judy,

I'm writing from the Midwest. We have a local politician, a friend of the family, who upped and died. I won't say what his title was, but he was pretty important in our city.

He was also, and I know this for a fact, a child-molester. Or really a teen-molester. I used to babysit for his two kids, and I happen to know.

Everyone acts like the worst tragedy in the world just happened. I say Justice has been done. Can I tell people about it now? I never have before, for reasons having to do with fear, his importance in our city, and the fact that nobody would believe me even if I did.

Caroline

Judy-the-soother-of-grievances' advice:

I am probably alone in the world in believing that being dead is no excuse. You don't get to have your sins wiped clean just because you stopped breathing! And I also have nothing against trashing the dead, except to their relatives and spouses. If the dead pol was a creep, so be it.

Somehow in the same sitting I was also directed to the presidential pet museum. James Buchanan had a pet herd of elephants -- imagine if Sasha and Malia had one of those!! Also, what do you think it means that Ronald Reagan's dog Lucky had "natural ears"?

please take a moment to appreciate this painting
and to scroll over it for an explanation of the symbolism
of each individual component

http://www.mcnaughtonart.com/artwork/view_zoom/?artpiece_id=353

Intellectually stimulating content

Not sure who showed this to me, maybe Ryan Branch, but here's a silly video. It expresses my fondness for all of you.

Hello Onion Goodbye work i need to do this afternoon

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

Blog Book Club Suggestions

What if we read/blog about Rats by Robert Sullivan?

Speaking of music.....

I wrote a short story today. I'm not sure if posting it is allowed under the rules of this blog, but screw the rules. Be as harsh or praiseful (is that a word) as possible, as I need to find the right drug for a 9 year old to be taking that's both semi-believable as well as shocking to school administrators. Also, the kid may need to be older:

"Things you call fate"

Charles Wilson was a boring man. And he prided himself on this facet of his character. Above all the scholastic achievements, local public figures, and administrative awards that came and went during Wilson's 36 year tenure as principal of Sheldon Brown Elementary School, was his ability to keep things subdued. Before today, exactly three incidents occurred under his watch: a small fire stemming from microwaved tin foil in the teacher's lounge, a moldy fish sticks outbreak that permanently soiled the school's 23rd annual fun run, and a perpetually drunk band teacher, whose antics culminated in a boozy tumble offstage during the spring ice cream social. All of those incidents resonated with Chester Wilson, but when he received word that one of his students was caught with drugs, he practically bounced from of his chair.

Sven Larson, the Icelandic-American boy in question, lay quietly on his back in the nurse's office. He took out a hand-rolled cigarette and lit the tip. Drawing a long puff, he stared inquisitively into space before hacking violently. He then unzipped his backpack, removed a ukulele, and began to strum a collection of chords. Mrs. Watts, the school nurse, watched in fear from the corner of the room.

Back in the principal's office, Wilson heard a knock on the door. Shelly Moore, a young-looking guidance counselor stepped into the room. She wore a blue five-button sweater over a collared shirt, and had her hair tied back in a short pony tail. Her eyes were a bit red, and the liner that once surrounded them was now smeared across the cuff of her shirt.

"Sven's parents are here", she said , her voice cracking. Wilson, hands on hips, looked at her, and motioned for them to come inside. She turned to leave, but paused. Spinning back ,she looked at her boss and sighed. "I didn't think we had this type of thing going on in our community." Wilson frowned, and looked up at her. "I know it's a shock, but we have to deal with this. You signed on for the good and the bad." Shelly nodded, and exited silently. The Larson parents entered the office, and began to scan its contents, taking in the wall of diplomas, outdated carpet, and large oak desk. Mrs Larson clutched a rectangular purse like it was a liferaft, while Mr. Larson had an arm wrapped around her shoulder. A tattoo peeked out from under Mr. Larson's sleeve, and extended out on his neck from under his collar.

"I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances" Wilson said, extending his hand. He pulled up a few chairs and formed a ring in front of his desk.

"What exactly is this about?" Mr. Larson asked, sitting down. "Ms. Moore didn't specify over the phone."

Wilson rubbed his mouth and eyed the couple. "Your son was caught with drugs today at school."

The Larsons didn't answer, or even modify their reactions. "Some time after leaving his music lesson, we found him stumbling wildly through the halls", he continued. "Ms. Moore pulled him aside and questioned Sven, who admitted that he was high on LSD."

"LSD?" Mrs. Larson repeated.

Wilson looked down. "I'm afraid so."

Mrs. Larson looked toward her husband and sighed deeply. "What a relief"

Wilson looked up sharply. "What's that?" he asked.

"I know" said Mr. Larson, before turning to Wilson. "I was supremely worried for a moment back there."

"This is a big deal." Wilson said, uncrossing his legs and elevating his voice. "Drugs are terrible, especially on a developing mind."

A knock appeared at the door, and it opened to reveal Mrs. Watts ushering Sven in with one hand. The moment he crossed the threshold, she slammed the door with the speed and urgency of a hazmat worker quarantining an outbreak. Wilson eyed the boy for a moment, before pointing him into a chair between Wilson and Mr. Larson. Mr. Wilson then turned to him, eyeing him up and down. The boy was smartly dressed in slim jeans, with a sport coat and vest concealing a white buttoned down shirt. He had a multicolored scarf around his neck, despite the visible steam rising from the school radiators.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself, young man?" Wilson asked, condescendingly.

"About the LSD?" Sven asked, uncertainly.

Wilson rubbed his temples. Half-moons of sweat appeared under his arms. "Yes, about the LSD! You're in a world of trouble bringing drugs into this school!"

"Why?" Sven asked. There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Because you're not supposed to take drugs on school property, honey" Mrs. Wilson said softly.

"Oh" Sven said, and turned to the principal. "I'm deeply sorry for breaking your rule Mr. Wilson. I understand that you have rules established for a reason, and maybe not every student is as ready to expand their mind as I am. In the future I'll be sure to trip out on my own time."

Wilson felt his head expanding like a balloon. He could no longer tell if anyone was speaking the same language anymore.

"Mr. Wilson" Mr. Larson interjected. "Sven is a very talented musician. He can sing in four languages, compose elaborate songs, and play six instruments. Surely you know this already."

Wilson thought about the boy's silky voice, and how he repeatedly bested the school music teacher, Mrs. Spiro, at the piano during last year's ice cream social. He then remembered how much money was raised by Sven's acoustic guitar performance a week before in the first annual "Dare To Stave Off Lupus" pancake breakfast, an event created solely because the school lacked an autumn fundraiser to showcase the boy's talents. But what did Sven's musical ability have to do with anything? He wasn't sure. But drugs are bad. He knew this for certain.

"I won't deny that Sven has an ear for music, but he was caught on drugs. He'll likely face criminal charges for this."

"He's only nine. They don't have the guts to prosecute someone that young." Mrs. Larson sneered, as she played with her beaded necklace.

"Honey" Mr. Larson said, resting a hand on her shoulder. she looked at him and smiled generously. Mr. Larson then turned to Wilson and raised his eyebrows. "Mr. Wilson, we want our son to be the best. And if drugs help him get to a higher place, than we'd be terrible parents to not enourage this behavior"

"But there hasn't been anyone this young caught doing drugs in our town's history!" Mr. Wilson said with a confident tone.

Mr. Larson rolled his eyes. "Well Sven is one in a million, so I'm afraid your concerns extend well past the county line as well."

"Think about all the best bands" Sven said after a moment. "The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Doors, Nick Drake, Nirvana." Their best tracks came to them when they were cracked out of their minds. I can't be the best if I'm spending a lifetime putting out mediocre tracks."

Mr. Wilson paused. He recognized most of the bands that Sven had just mentioned. "Consider this, Sven. None of those bands lasted for more than 10 years before they broke up, usually due to drug abuse. And if you're taking LSD today, you'll be smoking marijuana tomorrow, and something worse after that.

"I tried smoking marijuana and it didn't work." Sven chimed in. "All that happened was I got dizzy. Then a couple of passing teachers caught me and made me sell the rest to them."

Sven paused and watched silently as Wilson's eye began to twitch. He looked back at his parents whose eyes had grown to the size of saucer plates.

After it looked like Mr. Wilson had regained control of his twitching eye, Sven continued in a more serious tone. "Music is my life. I've got three albums recorded and ready to release. And if I want to keep from peaking, I have to keep topping myself. I have to keep experimenting, and improving, even if it kills me." He looked at his parents, who were losing their efforts to maintain smiles. After a moment, they both looked very sad.

"But think about Jimi Hendrix, Wilson said desperately. He became big and was dead less than five years later."

"And Hendrix is a rock god." Sven added. He never had a chance to make that shitty new wave album that sunk his career."

"Sven!" His mother yelled. "Language!"

"I'm sorry", he said, forlornly. "But the LSD helped me see cool things. I figure I've got at least an album of new material ready to go now."

"Good work" his father said proudly, and the two exchanged a proud nod. Sven then drew a cigarette from his pocket and patted his pockets for a lighter. Sven's father snatched the cigarette from his mouth and crumbled it into the trash can.

Wilson bit his lip and put his hands behind his head. His methods weren't resonating with these people. He thought about calling social services, followed immediately by the police. He thought about the prospect of this nutty family spending the next decade of holidays behind a storm of court dates, straight jackets and thick walls of plastic. Then he thought of the headlines: "Drug usage skyrockets under the nose of hapless principal" and "School official resigns under cloud of incompetance." Maybe there was another way. And then it hit him.

"How do you know that he's peaked?" Wilson asked after a moment.

The Larson family looked up. "Excuse me?" Mrs. Larson asked.

Wilson shifted his eyes between the boy and his parents. He had at least captured their attention.

"You said yourself that Sven is gifted. Who's to say that he doesn't have another nine years left in him?"

Sven raised an eyebrow and formed a half-moon with his left eyelid. "What musician or band was innovative for 18 straight years?"

Mr. Wilson grinned and paused to gather every inch of music knowledge his brain could reach for. "David Bowie, Nina Simone, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, Prince and James Brown."

The Larson family took Wilson's list into suggestion, and nodded in agreement.

"I guess you're right" Sven relented. "Although Aerosmith sucks, and the Rolling Stones look like zombies from the Thriller video."

"Yes, but they were real people at one point, honey. Mr. Wilson is right", said his father.

Wilson stood up and clapped his hands. "Well then, I'm going to cut this meeting off while I'm ahead. Sven, are all the drugs gone now?"

Sven nodded.

"And none of the other students know anything about this?"

"No" Sven said, lowering his voice. "I'm a lone wolf doomed to walk this earth in solitude."

"Ok then", Wilson said interrupting him. "We're going to have to suspend you for a couple of days, but as long as you can hold off on the intentional drug overdoses until you've graduated, I think we can try and look the other way on your behavior for now."

"Yes sir" Sven nodded with his head down.

As Wilson said goodbye to the Larson family, Shelly entered the office with a glass in her hand and an angry look on her face. "No expulsion? No drug overdoses allowed until after graduation? I'm not sure that you solved anything at all."

Wilson looked over to her and sighed. "We just bought nine years for that boy. In my book, I'd call that a win." Shelly shrugged and exited the office. Wilson closed the door, sat down behind his desk, and closed his eyes. A smile appeared on his face as he listened to the sweet vanilla sound of silence.

Commune

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/01/garden/01collective.html?_r=1&8dpc

FUN FACT

For a little paper I'm writing about user tagging, I was looking at some of the tags applied to Dan Brown's new novel The Lost Symbol. The best by far is that he has been dubbed by someone "the jimmy buffet of literature" [sic] While the point is valid, it might carry more heft if Buffett were spelled correctly.

In conclusion
+ =











Long live pointless user tags, such as these

The Hint-ernet with Deepak Bal

Okay,

This is nerdy, but I want to give a shout out to Google Reader. I know Marty uses it...and I have for a while, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I realized how awesome it is.

Basically Google Reader is an application that checks for updates from whatever websites you want and puts them all in one place. For example, I like to know whenever something new is posted on bobanddavid.com, but they don't update very often. So this lets me know whenever they finally do.

The cool thing about it is you don't need to go searching around a website for some rss feed link or anything. You just enter the website name under "add a subscription" and it does it automatically. Some example sites on my Google Reader:

itsfuckingdistracting.blogspot.com
xkcd.com
yahoo news about tennis and the cavs
various comedians websites
NPR's all songs considered
various math shit.

I recommend giving it a try for sure. to find it go to the top of your gmail,(or other google site) and click on reader (you may need to click "more" to see it)

ok...nerd rant over

I bet you can all guess who I thought of when I read this:

"Levitt, 64, could well be called Dr. Fart because he is the world's leading authority on flatulence. He has had 275 articles printed on flatulence in medical journals, as either the principal author or the co-author.

In fact, Levitt's career could only happen in America. 'In other countries, no way would a scientist study farts. But for reasons I can't completely figure out, farting is considered wrong in America and people are worried about it. Farts have been good to me.'...

Levitt works with four assistants out of a small laboratory on the third floor of the V.A. hospital, about a mile west of the Mississippi River. Every day he receives at least one long-distance phone consultation from a worried farter, almost always a man whose wife has prompted her husband to find out why he cuts the cheese so often.

Levitt's job doesn't end when he leaves the hospital at night, either. 'Every cocktail party I go to, I always get at least one wife who comes up to me and complains about her husband's farts.'

In his 40-year career, Levitt has seen only two patients (both men) who farted upward of 140 times a day, but these extraordinary cases were lactose-intolerant individuals and, once dairy products were cut out of their diets, they returned to the normal range of acceptability. 'These two were the biggest farters of my career. One of them complained that his sex life had been ruined by his chronic farting,' Levitt says."

Maybe you-know-who is lactose intolerant.

What's your favorite album of the moment?

I want to listen to some new music. Recommend me something.

Comics + Math

I just saw this article in the Times about a graphic novel about the intellectual history of Bertrand Russell and the foundations of mathematics. Since, I have been lately interested in comic books, philosophy, and set theory I thought I would pick this up. I will let all know how it is when I read it. Here is a quote I like from Russell:

"I would never die for my beliefs because I may be wrong."

This was us in 57

or at least me:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/spatial_skills_abandon_area
until that one day when me and one other person decided to organize all the containers

G-TWENTY!!!!

So as you may know...the G20 was in Pittsburgh these last 2 days. And there were tons of cops all decked out in riot gear. Also a decent amount of dirty looking hippies. I personally didn't witness any craziness, I ended up staying out of the way. But I thought that this video was really funny.




Another example of the media being stupid was on Thursday at around 4pm they showed a house on fire at night and the caption under the footage being played was "Protesters Face Off Against Police". I'm guessing it was a technical error, but it was pretty funny nonetheless.

My blogging cherry

I have been recently been fucking distracted by the following:

1) fuck you penguin
2) people of walmart
3) there i fixed it

Hopefully these are new to somebody.

Kisses!

Ahem Ahem

MMMmmmmmm

Are We Too Busy Tagging to be Blogging? For Shame!

Discuss.

Helmets: Your brain is important.

Just for discussion. People who bike and don't wear helmets, why not?

The Ultimate Fucking Taco Party/Swimming Party/Sparkler Fuckfest

Elegant Readings With Michael Ian Black: TACO PARTY - watch more funny videos

Another Prisoner Puzzle

After figuring out Deepak's puzzle, I told my cousin the puzzle. He came back a few days later with the following puzzle. This one is easier I think.

There are 100 prisoners in solitary cells. There's a central living room with one light bulb; this bulb is initially off. No prisoner can see the light bulb from his or her own cell. Everyday, the warden picks a prisoner equally at random, and that prisoner visits the living room. While there, the prisoner can toggle the bulb if he or she wishes. Also, the prisoner has the option of asserting that all 100 prisoners have been to the living room by now. If this assertion is false, all 100 prisoners are shot. However, if it is indeed true, all prisoners are set free. Thus, the assertion should only be made if the prisoner is 100% certain of its validity. The prisoners are allowed to get together one night in the courtyard, to discuss a plan. What plan should they agree on, so that eventually, someone will make a correct assertion?

Old but celebratory

http://www.vikingkittens.com/media/viking_kittens.swf


I had a long but fruitful day, please enjoy this past flash beaut.

Rats Off to Ya!!!!

So I was just listening to random stuff on NPR, and stumbled upon the reairing of this interview as part of the Fresh Air animal week.

It's awesome, interesting, and very funny.

Take a listen.

How does this happen?

Wendy's utensil found in man's lung

Delonte! Delonte!!

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=ap-cavaliers-westarrest&prov=ap&type=lgns

"speeding on a motorcycle while carrying two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun in a guitar case."

actually sounds really badass

tweets

I dont really get how to read twitter. I just read it like any other web site I guess.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Do you worry about sleep walking?

Apparently Andy Brown's Dad Is Now In Bed With The Nigerian Prince

Does anyone want to go in on the 210 GBP with me? We can split the money when it gets here.

fromFedEx Express <fedex@ccs.ufsc.br>reply-tofedex.disptunit_@w.cn
todateFri, Sep 18, 2009 at 8:46 AMsubject-- Alert: Delivery Updatemailed-byccs.ufsc.br
hide details 8:46 AM (21 minutes ago)


DATE: 18 Sept 2009.

Dear customer,

You have a Package that is registered with us for shipping. However, the content is a Bank Draft worth is $886,000 USD (Eight Hundred and Eighty SixThousand US Dollars).Reg .Number: P-01-402761625/Reg Date: 09/17/2009.Your package was registered with us for mailing by your colleague who is currently undergoing survey project with NNPC (Nigeria National PetroleumCompany). We are sending you this email because your package is registered on a Special Order. What you have to do now, is to contact our Delivery Departmentfor immediate dispatch of your package to your residential address. Note: As soon as our Delivery Team confirms your information, it will take three (3)working days (62Hrs) for your package to arrive at your designated destination.For your information, Shipping charges as well as Insurance fees have been paid by your colleague.
However, the only payment you are to make is £210 GBP to the FedEx DeliveryDepartment being full payment for Customs Duty Certificate and Tariff. PleaseNote: All registered package with us have a time limitation and you are to meet up with this payment to facilitate immediate attention toward the delivery ofyour package. Note: Your colleague did not leave us with any further information.
We hope that you respond to us as soon as possible because if you fail torespond until the expiry date of the foremost package, we may refer the package to the British Commission for Welfare as the package do not have a returnaddress. Contact the delivery department (FedEx Ship Manager) with the details given below:
Contact Person: Mr. Richard Raynor
Email: fedex.disptunit_@w.cn
Tel: +2348066879532.
Kindly complete the below form. This is mandatory to reconfirm your Postal address for clarification.
FULL NAMES:
TELEPHONE:
POSTAL ADDRESS:
Zip/Postal code:
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY:
As soon as your details are received, our delivery team will give you the necessary payment procedure for Customs Duty Certificate and Tariff. As soon asthey confirm your payment of £210 GBP USD .they shall immediately dispatch yourpackage to the designated address with the attach Tracking Number. It usuallytakes 72 Hours being an express delivery service. Ensure to contact the delivery department with the email address and ensure tofill the above form as well to enable successful reconfirmation.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs. .Mary Maxwell
FedEx Management Team.
All rights reserved.
© 1996-2009 FedEx.

Please feel free to comment on your favorite flaw in this scam, I'll go first:

The e-mail came from FedEx Express.

I don't have to care about football.

It's still September. As an Ohioan, my football options are OSU, the Cleveland Browns, and the Cincinnati Bengals. OSU already lost, and considering the ass-kicking they received in their previous bowl games, will not get into a BCS bowl unless they run the table. I doubt this will happen anyway.

The Browns, sadly, are terrible once again. Having no receiving corps, any big name running backs, or defense, they will probably live up to the 2-14 record Sports Illustrated projected for them this year.

The Bengals, won't make the playoffs, but at least they lose in interesting fashion.
It is a sad state of affairs when I envy Bengals fans.


However on the bright side, I won't waste my weekends inside...except for reading, D&D, videogames etc.

awareness test

mike freed: what i am doing

i am at work, reading the blog (duh), and this article about last week's failed execution in chillicothe. i share a little tiny office with my boss. for some reason, someone just put a pair of tighty whities on my boss's desk while she wasn't looking.

i just finished two books by david mitchell, ghostwritten and number9dream. i recommend them - especially ghostwritten. very fun reads, exciting, surreal, arguably gratuitously violent.

something happens tonight

can anyone guess what it is?
answer

What's everyone doing?

What is everyone currently reading/listening to/watching/smelling/talking about?

Rumors confirmed...

I'll see all of you guys in a year.

Bacon, meet my friend, Bourbon.

Oh, sweet nectar of the gods! I found this most awesome cocktail at the new speakeasy in the basement of Bar Cento/Bier Markt in Ohio City.

Manhattan Pig

- Top shelf bourbon (extra points if it is infused with bacon)
- Sweet vermouth
- Splash of bitters
- Strip of crispy bacon (infused with bourbon, of course)

The bacon needs to be thick and crispy enough to stand up to the drink. Served up.

Toad Babies

"Surinam toads are most well-known for their remarkable reproductive habits. Unlike the majority of toads the males of this species cannot attract mates with croaks and other sounds often associated with these aquatic animals. Instead they produce a sharp clicking sound by snapping the hyoid bone in their throat. The partners rise from the floor while in amplexus and flip through the water in arcs. During each arc, the female releases 3-10 eggs, which get embedded in the skin on her back by the male's movements. After implantation the eggs sink into the skin and form pockets over a period of several days, eventually taking on the appearance of an irregular honeycomb. The larvae develop through the tadpole stage inside these pockets, eventually emerging from the mother's back as fully developed toads, though they are less than an inch long (2 cm)."

what CAN'T chimpanzees beat us at?

Physical strength aside, it's always been difficult for me to think of Koucky winning a fight against a chimp because I am a person, and Koucky is a person, and my experience as a person makes me think that people's rationality, at least in terms of survival, is diluted by an awareness of and concern for others - animal instincts are more unflinching when it comes to self-interest and survival, I think (although, following this logic, maybe Koucky COULD beat a chimp at a fight? Maybe it's a bad idea to open the blog up to the chimp debate). Anyway I was just reading this study about how chimpanzees are rational decision-makers.

Remember This?/I'm a bear

Some of you may recall that in my early years at OSU I dj'ed for the underground (now ohio.fm). One of the local bands I liked then was the Flotation Walls. We (original G-unit pre-G-unit) went and saw them play once at Mirror Lake Cafe and were the only people in attendance; it was a bit strange to see a band play in an empty dining hall but the Mirror Lake subs were delicious. Just recently I came across videos of them (the band not the subs) on youtube. Below is my favorite from that era:



Another favorite of mind was robot soul.

The band (as those of you more familiar with the C-Bus scene probably already know) is still around, although their music has changed considerably in the past decade. Below is a video of their more recent incarnation:

glenn beck

Yes he's an easy target, but this one is great.

You almost think he's going to save himself, but then bang!

Holy Robots Batman!

This isn't very complicated, but an interesting little device. Hopefully it has civilian toy applications as well.

moths and bats, hammerhead bats, skulls for sale

Some moths escape bats by jamming sonar.
Hammerhead bat images.
Skullsunlimited.com.

Follow up to pointless story #1

Deepak riding his bike in the CVS parking lot...wearing the blazer...nice wave, man

Half-Marathon

I RAN A HALF-MARATHON FUCK FACES.

Happy Birthday Mike

In honor of Mike Koucky's birth and that of Agrippa von Nettesheim, the German occultist/alchemist/royal astrologer I give you the following video:

pointless ths story #1

here is a story that i sent a friend:

so, this one time (when i was still living in columbus) i was hanging out at our hang-out, bernie's distillery, where homeless people and punk-rockers hung out (because the drinks were dirt cheap) and it was hot and sticky because it was the summer time.

so there we were - sitting outside on the porch ... which was really not a porch but more of a fenced in (cheap, wrought iron fencing) that had a bunch of picnic benches shoved into it, not that we ever wanted to sit on them because people were always getting too drunk and peeing on them, but nonetheless there were benches in this enclosed, fenced area on street-level property of the bar, which actually was in a basement. there i was, hot, steaming. it was so hot that week that i decided to not wear deodorant that week since I, being a Pollack-Kraut and therefore perfect in every way, never smell, but always will sweat if it is too hot. I remember asking becky fauver, charlie foreman's girlfriend, to smell me to see if i stunk - i passed the test, a girl told me that i didn't stink and i was therefore happy that i saved deodorant that would otherwise have been wasted.

so there we were - sitting outside on the porch. some kid, kid - probably in his mid-teens, pimply and sprouting sporadic patches of red hair on his face, some kid walked up to us, holding a sign. he explained to us, standing there with his freckled charm and farmboyish bare feet, that he wasn't looking for money, but was bored and looking for intelligent conversation and held a small corrugated-cardboard sign explaining the same. the writing on his sign was child-like, written haphazardly in sharpie marker, on a piece of cardboard torn from a larger piece of cardboard and measured approximately 2x4 feet and had this haphazard writing written only on the white-side of the cardboard, torn from a larger piece of cardboard.

so, being the nice-folks that we were, we struck up a kindly mid-westerner to another mid-westerner (although i am not a midwesterner i acted as midwesternlylike as possible) conversation, which led to our red-headed iowanian friend (he later explained that he was from iowa ... or some other God-forsaken-mid-west-ern-

state) explaining that across the street, in the back of the Wexner Center (OSU's art building) there was a dumpster that had clothes in it, which turned out to clearly be cast-offs from a recently cleaned out lost-and-found box/area/trunk.

me, and john hoffmeister, and i think deepak bal, and maybe mike friedman, and i think somebody else (no, it was only three of us - me, the iowa kid, and john hoffmeister) went over to the dumpster. and looked in. and saw clothes. and jumped in. and found a bunch of matching suit jackets that we all wore for the rest of the night to multiple bars. and i found a short, crimson scarf, which was clearly a lady's scarf because it was short, but i wore it anyway that night even though it was probably gross and it was really hot, too hot to wear deodorant. but i wore it anyway - i was young and beautiful and nothing could hurt me.

i just found that scarf again and it made me think of that story. i don't have too many interesting stories like that from the past few years since i've been back in pa. that makes me sad.

New Jeopardy set

So a while ago I posted on Facebook about the new jeopardy set...I thought it looked weird, but then it was just the tournament of champions, so I thought it was a temporary set.

But apparently, that is the new set. Go ahead take the 3-D tour. Despite the fancy screens and all, it still looks like its from 1991-93. That's not to say I dislike it. What do you guys think?

...no one said the posts had to be interesting

Boooo

FIRST post!

Dog Poop DNA Bank

I wonder how much this costs.

In the spirit of rants...

And the oldie but goodie...


He still even has it today

a photo of old sean i saw on facebook

Columbus etc

Hey Columbus people,

I'll be in town from Thursday around 10pm till Friday morning.
Wanna hang out?

Also, I'll take this time to describe what the hell this blog is. Its a place where stupid and not stupid shit can hang out...and do whatever. Post book/movie/recipe/life recommendations, things from the internet that are enlightening..or exactly the opposite. Post things like if you're going to be in Columbus, or Pittsburgh or something...or if something happened in your life that you want all of us to know about.

I'll also pose a puzzle here for you all (yinz since I'm in Pittsburgh) to ponder:

So a jailer puts ten prisoners in a line so that each prisoner can only see the prisoners in front of him. He also gives each of the prisoners either a white or black hat (you dont know anything about how many of each color hats there are). So prisoner 10 can see the hat colors of prisoners 1-9 ahead of him, but not his own hat. Prisoner 9 can see the hats of 1-8, but not his own or prisoner 10's. The game is... starting with prisoner 10 and moving up to prisoner 1, each prisoner has to guess the color of his own hat. If he gets it right, he lives and if he gets it wrong he dies. The guesses are said out loud and all the prisoners can hear each guess. The prisoners are allowed to determine a strategy before hand (and the jailer is even allowed to know their strategy). What strategy should the prisoners adopt to minimize the number of people who die.

It's not a riddle, meaning its not something stupid like "the jailer is a prisoner so he knows and can tell them" or anything else that makes it trivial. I heard this yesterday and it took me a while to get.

Alright...blog on.

re: It's fucking disgusting

more creepy beasts.

Outstanding Lyrics

This is a music video for a song called "Somalia" by K'Naan, and it's great:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lCPXEARpE8

This had to be done

You are trashing my scene!!!

It's Fucking Disgusting

(via Warren Ellis)
The BBC has this report on a new species of isopod found off the Jersey shore:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/jersey/8246001.stm

This isopod is a parasite that basically removes the weaver fish's tongue and functionally replaces it while feeding off the fish.

A GIS for 'isopod' does nothing for the contents of my nightmares: here

It's Here

Your one stop shop for all things fucking distracting. Remember we thought of doing this a while ago but never did?